Mattress Shopping = Visit to Hell

We need a new mattress. Our first clue to this was the two, large, body-sized divots that are worn in our mattress where Mr. Goofy and I sleep. We don't quite roll into each other in the middle when we get into bed, but that day is coming soon.

Add to this the need to greet sleepover guest with more than an air mattress and pump and the need for an upgrade is obvious.

First I did some Internet research. I was curious about the Sleep Number bed, mainly because I would prefer to sleep on a rock, while Mr. Goofy would prefer a featherbed. They don't advertise the PRICE of these crazy beds, which averages around $3000. Yow! Also, they are basically air matresses. And the reviews are really quite mixed. So we quickly nixec the SN bed.

Where to shop for a mattress? If it hadn't been Race Weekend, I would have headed to Nebraska Furniture Mart.* But I looked at the NFM ad anyway, to get some ideas of what options I had.

There was 'Deluxe Queen Pillowtop' for $399. And 'Deluxe Pillowtop' (Queen sized) for $649. The only diff appeared to be 'Deep Sleep' versus 'Beautyrest'. I'll take 'Deep Sleep' over 'Beautyrest' anytime, but that was the cheaper option. Too cheap?

Then there was Firm/Plush versus Plush/Firm. Excuse me, but isn't "Plush" the EXACT OPPOSITE of "Firm"?! And does order matter? Obviously so, because the "Plush first" was $200 more.

My head was spinning now. Visco foam? Visco/latex foam? These mattress marketing folks really like slashes, don't they? Pillowtop? Super pillowtop? Euro pillowtop (do I get an espresso with it?)? How much pillowtop does one need for a 'deep sleep'? How about for a 'beautyrest'?

I should have known better, but Mr. Goofy wanted to go visit a store. We chose Mattress Firm (get the clever pun? Groan.). An eager salesdude asked immediately greeted us and asked us about firmness. (This HAS to be an embarrassing job to have). We unaminously said "Firm". He proceeded to have us practice-sleep on a "firm" bed. Which was WAY softer than our existing bed.

"Firmer," we said, with visions of Goldilocks in our heads. We wanted Papa Bear's bed, not Mama Bear's!

He pointed the way to the back of the store. Do normal people sleep on beds with the consistency of Marshmallow Fluff? Were we freaks for wanting something firmer than pudding?

There were three beds that fit our Firmness demands: Simmons, Stearns & Foster, and Tempurpedic. The first bed was too poofy. The second bed was too giggly. The third bed was like laying on a wonderfully supportive cloud...but too f-ing expensive. I'm talking $6000. For that price it should do my laundry, walk the dog and make me breakfast, too.

So we practice-sleeped and practice-sleeped. And Goofy Junior jumped from bed to bed to bed to bed to bed...ad nauseum. It seemed that he was the only one having fun in Hell, er, I mean the Mattress Store.

We eventually escaped and I came home and layed on our current bed. And no, it's not a super pillowtop, visco/latex/plush/firm/euro/espresso-serving cloud. But it works. So it looks like the air mattress might be around for a little while longer. Until we get the energy to return to Hell and go mattress shopping again.


*Note to non-Kansas Citians: The NE Furn. Mart is in close vicinity to our NASCAR track. On race weekend, you can't get within a 10 minute radius without running into race-crazed crowds. Um, no thanks.