Thursday, December 16, 2004

No More Boo Boo Bunnies!

Dammit! Why do non-parents think that a good baby gift is the Boo Boo Bunny? We have received no less than 3 of these ridiculous things.

In case you've never crossed paths with the Boo Boo Bunny, it's a tiny plastic square filled with liquid (water? bunny pee?) that you put in your freezer. (larger picture here) When your precious darling falls down and bumps his/her sweet little head/nose/chin/knee/name-another-body-part-here, you rush to the freezer, grab the square and tuck it inside the tiny pastel-colored stuffed bunny (included with the plastic square), secure it with the velcro strap and place it on the appropriate injured body part.

The idea is that your little darling will LOVE the little Bunny and will let you ice the appropriate area, thus reducing swelling, scarring and other skin damage.

Okay, here's my beef: Kids HATE these things. What the first thing that a typical kid does when you put something cute (or actually even non-cute) on their head, where they can't see it? They squirm around so that they can see it. Or they grab your hand and pull it down to see the cute object. The point is: If they are looking at the Bunny, it is not on the sore/swollen/profusely bleeding body part, and IS NOT DOING ANY GOOD. What about a good old ice cube? Wrap it in a paper towel for variety. Isn't this just as effective and (bonus!) free?!

The tag on these ridiculous wastes of good money say:
If a boo boo has you feeling crummy,
put the ice cube in my tummy.
Hold it to your boo boo tight
and everything will be all right!

No, everything will NOT be alright. Junior will scream even harder as this adorable plush freezing-cold object is pressed on his boo-boo. Maybe he will even develop a fear of bunnies, or of plush toys. I don't know...someone should do a study on this!

Monday, December 13, 2004

Weird Karmic Shit - Part Two

(read Weird Karmic Shit first - below)

My mood this Sunday was crappy. Bad. Didn't want to do anything. Didn't want to go anywhere. One of those "where is my life going?" type moods. Yuk. And my husband had an all-day volleyball tournament, so I had Junior responsibility (who is 1-1/2 years old) all day.

I tried to use the FEELING techniques to lift my spirit, but my spirit was having none of it.

And the following happened:
Junior refused to take his 2-hour nap. That he takes every day. Without fail. Without effort on our part. He cried for AN HOUR. Finally, he took a measly hour nap. I was so tired after going in to soothe him that I needed a nap.

Later that night, the bottom of my foot started hurting. Suddenly. Badly. Like I had broken it. Yes, that bad! I'm not making this shit up, you know! Anyway, it hurt. It actually still hurts, dammit.

On Monday, my husband was leaving Quizno's and the door blew back into his face, cutting the bridge of his nose quite badly. He ended up coming home for the day with a horrible headache and a nice chunk of skin missing from his nose.

Did my bad FEELINGS magnetize bad stuff to me and my family? Did I cause this bad stuff to happen? Man, I don't need that kind of pressure. This FEELING stuff sucks! I'm going back to being an un-FEELING's much safer that way.

Weird Karmic Shit

So I get this audiotape from the library called "Excuse Me, Your Life is Waiting". I'd been listening to it for a day or so on the drive to/from work. The author (who is also the not-so-good narrator) talks about how FEELINGS are the key to getting whatever I want from life. Don't use your brain - just FEEL how it would be to have the things you want and the atoms will magnetize their way to you. (I'm not joking here...this is her actual philosophy).

I'm game for trying anything...once. So I gave it a go. Money, I thought, I would like to magnetize some money my way. Not millions. I'm not greedy. But enough to give me some freedom. Or at least buy some extra Christmas gifts, fer Christ's sake (no pun intended). I tried FEELING that I was a money magnet. I visualized that money flying towards me from all directions. Hopefully only dollars would come, as coins could pose an injury risk!

This was Thursday night and Friday on the drive to work. When I got to work that morning there was an envelope on my desk with my name on it. "Oh goody, an early Christmas card from an over-achieving co-worker", I thought. I opened it. Inside was a Thank You card from a co-worker and two Applebee's gift cards for $25 apiece. I was floored! I had done a mediocore job for this guy, but here was a nice thank you. My mood was great after that. It didn't strike me until mid-morning...I had attracted some money! Not green money, but plastic money. Was it karma?

That evening I went to the casino with some friends for dinner and gambling. At dinner, the waitress mistakenly served me a $24 filet instead of the $15 sirloin that I ordered. Karma again? Stupid waitress? I don't care. It was a damn good "sirloin". (wink-wink) Maybe I had Food Karma. I was attracting food like crazy!

Then I hit the craps table. I'm not great at craps, but I love the excitement of the table and think it's a great people-watching game. And I won. I doubled my money and then some! Karma yet again? It wasn't my superior craps abilities, that's for sure. My friends also won. Could I rub my karma off on them? Would they think I was getting fresh if I did that?

More importantly...will money (or food) continue to magnetize my way? Stay tuned!

Thursday, December 09, 2004

Bad Blogger! Bad! Bad!

Well, if you've been checking my site, you probably think I just got back from vacation. Ha! Don't I wish!, I don't wish. My "Project Vacation" was a bust. An absolute bust. Maybe I set my expectations too high...

It's Las Vegas! It will be sunny and warm!
Actually, no, it was rainy and damn chilly most the time. Until the day we flew back home.

We will win big!
Nope. Lost. Then lost some more. Tried new craps strategy that worked excellently on my home computer. Lost more. Since the majority of my time was earmarked for gambling, all this losing really sucked the big one.

Husband's conference dinner "Old Style Las Vegas Night Out" will rock!
Ha! This thing was so lame I could write an entire post on it. Mediocre food. Mediocre Rat Pack impersonators...being drowned out by drunken conference attendees hitting on each other. No dancing. Bad wine. Groan.

Staying at high-priced hotel will make us feel ritzy!
It had quite the opposite effect. During the day (on a Wednesday even!), table minimums were $15. Yikes! Where were the $5 tables? They were down the street in the seedy casinos with the cheesy decor and smoke rolling out the doors. I felt very poor. We won a bit at the cut-rate casinos, but the environment was a real downer.

On the bright side, Junior did wonderfully! Every time we called, he was playing, laughing and overall no missing us a damn bit. He also did not give the babysitter-couple one dirty diaper. Not one! Do you know the odds of that? THEY should have been the ones in Vegas! We found out later that he was saving all his lovin' for us (4 dirty diapers the Saturday we returned). Jackpot!

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

Project Vacation

Darling Hubby got the opportunity to attend a conference in Las Vegas this week. Since Las Vegas is one of our very favorite spots, we decided that at some point this week, I would join him and we would bask in the seediness of Sin City. So why am I totally stressed out?

Problem One: Junior. Needs a sitter. Number 1 Favorite Sitter is away at college. Number 2 Favorite Sitter (who happens to be #1's sister) is still in high school and would not be a good choice for camping at our house while we are gone. Gramma/Grampa are on a cruise....dammit!
Solution: Get unsuspecting volunteers! A couple of friends that have no kids (but one dog) will do it. Celebrate! Curse Gramma/Grampa for being gone during same week of conference.

Problem Two: Said friends are extremely busy at work and have not had time to "bond" with Junior by babysitting him. Will he freak out when they attempt to pick him up at daycare? You are not my are not my daddy. What have you done with them? Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
Solution: Schedule a dinner out with said couple and Junior and us. Have them interact with him and see how 'easy' he is. Junior somehow figures out plan and acts like crazy freakish mutant boy.

Problem Three: Since said friends have not actually babysat for Junior, they do not know his routines, food preferences, strange behaviors, etc. As any mom/dad will tell you, THE SCHEDULE is Golden. You break with THE SCHEDULE, you pay the price. I would like to keep them from running, screaming from our house, if possible.
Solution: Take several hours to write a 4-page document, entitled "Care and Feeding of Junior" that details his eating, drinking, pooping, playing preferences in excrutiating detail. Hope that they read it.

Problem Four: Actually leaving. On day of departure, must get up, get dressed, get Junior dressed and fed, feed two faithful dogs, feed self. Take Junior to daycare. Convince self that this is normal day and will see him again at 5:30pm. Probably not succeed. Return home to load up dogs in different car (Hubbie's truck). Take them to kennel. Convince self that I will not miss dogs either. Return home. Use multiple sheets of lint brush to remove dog hair from self. Realize that I have to pack some of those things called 'clothes' that one wears on vacation. Run around grabbing items that probably will not match upon further inspection. Throw suitcase into trunk of car. Drive like bat from hell to get to airport on time. Worry the entire flight about what I've forgotten to do.

God, I love vacations!

Friday, October 08, 2004

Bring Back my Beefcake!

I watch Survivor...religiously. I've watched it since the first season, and haven't missed a show yet. I've recently come to a harsh realization. One of the reasons I watch Survivor is to see scantily-clan, hot young men on a tropical island. First, I was shocked to realize this about myself. Second, I'm pissed, because the beefcake is disappearing right before my eyes!

This season, the older, more round-y men on the Lopevi tribe have decided to start voting off the young hotties. They figure that team-be-damned, they are going to eliminate the threat of competing against these younger guys that actually remove their ass from the couch periodically to do something more aerobic than opening the fridge. First Brook got their vote (no big loss - he was extremely annoying), then John P. bit the dust (he was hot, but in a serial killer kinda way). But this week, they crossed the line. Brady, the buff FBI Agent got the boot. Picture a cuter Fox Mulder with a mean six pack and 5:00 shadow... Is it getting hot in here?

So now there's only one young hottie left - John K. It's unfortunate, because John seems like a smart, nice guy (not to mention a model/mechanical bull operator...according to the CBS website). So it bugs me even more, since I like smart, nice guys. Especially when they are young and hot.

So I'm not a happy tribe member. I have to endure about 8 more weeks of Sarge and Bubba. Even if you don't watch Survivor, you can guess from their names that these guys are not young NOR hot. And in fairness, if they were at least entertaining to watch, that would help. They are not. I suppose I could watch The Apprentice, but beefcake in suits is just not the same.

Monday, October 04, 2004

Big, Big Winner...Maybe

I got the mail today. I opened up a letter that looked like an ad, pretending to be a personal letter. It wasn't an ad. It was a notification that I was a winner. Okay, yah, I'm a big winner, I thought. Now what do I have to buy? Hmmm... No, I really was a winner.

The letter was from a burger 'n custard restaurant that I had stopped at on the way to my husband's family reunion in Iowa. I actually remember filling out the sweepstakes coupon with one eye, while watching my son running away with the other.

As I remember, I entered because the grand prize was a Harley-Davison motorcycle. A 2005 Electra Glide® Ultra Classic® Harley-Davidson® motorcycle to be exact. (why do I feel like Ralphie in A Christmas Story? Would I shoot my eye out with a Harley?) Another prize was a mountain bike. A Trek® moutain bike to be exact (that's about $400 mountain bike for you pedestrian-types). Way cool stuff, huh?

My letter described my winnings. Ohboyohboyohboyohboy. I was a "Second Prize Winner". OHBOYOHBOYOHBOYOHBOY... What was it? What did I win?

Wanna know what I won?

Custard. 1 quart of custard. Not even a frickin' gallon...just a measley quart of custard. Retail price...about $3.00.

Oh, wait, I get a jar of fudge topping too. And a jar of carmel topping. And I get 4 glass custard cups featuring the restaurant's 20th Anniversary logo on it. Oh boy. Yippee.

No bike (varoom-varoom). No bike (pedal-pedal). Custard.

Am I a winner or not? I'm still trying to decide...

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

I Must Confess...

I did it. I'm not proud, but I did it. I cheated on my hairdresser.

I was having a bad day in general and also hair-wise. I left for lunch, which included the obligatory bad-day-Lamar's donut. Right next to Lamar's was the salon. A crazy thought struck me: Just walk in...just do one has to know...

No. I pushed the thought away. I have to eat lunch and get back to work. But the thought lingered. I went away and ate my lunch. Then in a moment of weakness, I went back. I walked through the doors and was greeted with warm smiles. Certainly they could fit me in. Have a seat. Want a magazine? How about a beverage? Ahhhhhh.

Do I have regrets? Unfortunately no. The smell of my hairdresser-mistress P.'s shampoo was intoxicating. Her tools and techniques were new and exciting. I found myself smiling with satisfaction.

As I drove back to work, the consequences of my actions hit me. Oh no! What if K. (my regular hairdresser) sees me? She will know immediately that I've strayed. I've cheated! This dilemna is compounded by the fact that K. is not only my hairdresser, but also a good friend and a somewhat of a business partner for my jewelry business. She is leaving for an out-of-the-country trip. Could I avoid her until she came back? Could I pretend that the new hairstyle was my doing? Surely not. She would never buy that. She'd seen my hacker's work with the scissors before.

What if I was tempted to go back? Surely this was a one time thing...meaningless. But damn, the hairstyle was good. And the next day I was able to replicate it. Somewhat. I can never do that with K.'s cut. Oh, the guilt... Is vanity worth the price? Hmmmm....hell yes!

Thursday, September 16, 2004

Obsessive/Compulsive Eating 101

I signed up for a "Eat Well, Cook Less" class at the library a few weeks ago. I arrived early, so I had time to browse a bit before the class. Since I was going to a food-related class, I was hungry, so I ended up in the food/cooking/recipe section of the stacks. There I found a neat book called Top Secret Restaurant Recipes by Todd Wilbur. This author of this book has dissected popular dishes at several popular chain restaurants and provided recipes for them. What originally caught my eye was a recipe for the stuffed mushrooms at Houlihan's, which I have loved for years. I can make these at home now? Very cool.

I sat through my class, which was very good, and learned about how to make home-made granola, how to read nutrition labels and pick the healthiest ingredients, etc. Actually a very good class, but I was itching to get home and look at the "Top Secret" book some more.

When I looked closer, I found a recipe for Chi Chi's Fried Ice Cream. My husband and I absolutely LOVE fried ice cream. We also always thought it was actually fried. Not so! The bottom tortilla that the ice cream sits on is fried, but the actual ball of ice cream is simply rolled in crushed Corn Flakes, cinnamon and sugar. Well, there pretty much have the recipe too.

As an aside, the Chi Chi's restaurant chain was named after the founder's wife. Chi Chi was her nickname, which is also a slang term in Spanish's just say hooters. Makes you think twice about taking the fam to Chi Chi's now, doesn't it?

Anyway, the following day I stopped by the store, bought the ingredients and made fried ice cream for dessert. Yummy! So yummy that the following night, I made fried ice cream again. And again on the night following that, too. We were in fried ice cream heaven.

The next night, my husband cried "Uncle", but I was on a roll. Fried ice cream for one, please. This stuff was kick-ass good! The next night we both took a break...I think we went out to eat or something.

The following night, I was short on time, so skipped the rolling of the ice cream ball in the Corn Flake mixture and simply fried the bottom tortilla, sprinkled with cinnamon-sugar and put a naked ball of ice cream on top. I was pretty proud of myself. I shaved a few minutes off the prep time and still maintained the gist of the dessert. Still yummy!

After about 7 nights in a row, the newness wore off. The obsession was done. But those Corn Flakes are still in my pantry. They will call to me one day soon. And I will answer.

Thongs are a Pain in the Rear

Let's just get this out of the way first. I'm a girl. I hate to shop. Hate it. H-A-T-E. Hate is not even a strong enough word for how I feel when I walk into a mall, knowing that I need to buy something before leaving.

My husband, on the other hand, loves to shop. Loves it. Lives for it. He's a clothes horse of the highest breed. During college, he worked at several men's clothing stores, and I'm not talkin' The Gap, I'm talkin' stores where the shoes are 400 bucks. So when it comes to clothes, he's got very high standards and knows what he's doing.

So, he decides that he's had it with my pilled Kohl's trousers and my four-year old Steinmart blouses and my Payless shoes. He offers to take me to lunch and shopping on the Friday before July 4th. Shopping? On a day off? Grrr... What sealed the deal is that he offered to take me to lunch (I'm so easily bribable with food) and then, if I still felt okay with it, we would shop. He would hold my hand, offer advice and basically help me get through it. Sounds like tight-rope walking, right?

So, the Friday came. We ate lunch. I couldn't muster up an excuse, so shopping we went.

The first store was The Limited. He was determined to get me into those trendy blank tight-ish pants that basically ever woman in North America owns but me. Funny when you think about it...most guys want to get into your pants, not get you into pants. But I digress...

So I try on these crazy pants...and I like them. And they don't look half bad. And (this is way cool) I wear a size smaller than what I thought. I like this place! I remember thinking.

Here's the rub...these pants don't quite get along with my underwear. I don't wear Granny-panties, I wear fairly standard french-cut underwear, but these pants are having none of that. They demand a THONG! Oh man...

So he drags me down to Victoria's Secret, which I discovered later, is suspiciously owned by the same company as The Limited. Hmmm...I smell a conspiracy. I look at all the thongs. Good God - how many types/colors/styles can there be? I select a pair and guess at the size, since I didn't know if it was social acceptable to try on underwear or not.

The following Monday, I excitedly got ready for work and put my new outfit on, thong included. It's not too bad, I remember thinking. Much more comfortable than the thongs I'd had run-ins with in the past. Then I walked down the stairs to get some coffee. Ouch! It kind of pinched. I stood in front of our hall mirror, stuck my hands down my pants and adjusted things. Then checked out my ass. No panty lines. Cool! I walked in to get coffee. Grr... Something was not where it was supposed to be. Actually, let me correct that. Something was where it was not supposed to be. I had a gigantic swatch of cloth between my butt cheeks! What an annoying feeling! Did I buy the wrong size? How do women wear these things? What sacrifices are necessary to be panty-line free? Is this all worth it? Arg!

I calmed myself down and got some coffee. I went to work.

Sometime during the day I realized that I'd forgotten about the self-inflicted wedgie in my nether-region! I could do it. I could wear a thong and be fashionable. Of course, when I got home that night, I immediately took the damn thing off and threw it across the room. And it felt wonderful.

Supermodel I'm not, but I've at last made peace with the dreaded thong.