Monday, May 30, 2005

The Revenge of the 'Net

Well, I made my goal...and then some.

As some of you have noted, I did not re-appear until, well, until today. This was not by design, and rest assured I have been having some serious Net Withdrawl.

As planned vacation days always seem to go...we got up later than expected, needed more prep than expected, but actually managed to get on bikes and start riding about 11:30am on Friday. After a 2-HOUR RIDE (yes, it was me that suggested "one more trail" Doh!), we packed our bikes up, did a cool-down stretch...and noticed the rain drops. Damn you Weatherman! Damn you Weatherwoman too!

We had to grab some lunch, so maybe it would stop. We did have 3 more hours of Junior-free time and we had planned on hitting the lake in our kayaks for a quick paddle.

We ate lunch and watched the rain pour down....

"What was our Plan B?", Loving Husband asked. "Plan B?" I replied. We made a couple lame attempts at shopping (not our favorite thing and being dressed in muddy bike gear made it so much more fun...NOT), then headed home. We ended up taking a well-needed nap.

So, I was good and avoided the Net, until after midnight. "Yeah, I made my goal!" I declared. I'm going to go check email. "Not so fast," said Loving Husband, "we haven't gotten a signal this afternoon". What!? WHAT?!?!

I hadn't planned on this turn of events. Of course, I checked myself and he was signal. I did the obligatory rebooting of the cable modem, rebooting of the PCs (all 3 of them). No dice. I gave up and went to bed.

Next morning...still no Net. Damn Net! I knew that I had dissed it on Friday and now was giving me the cold shoulder. I tried lamely to get it working, then finally gave up.

Around dinnertime last night, it finally came to me...I hadn't rebooted the ROUTER. Damn it, I'll bet the Router was the problem. Sure enough...that did the trick. Now the Net was working again.

I sat there trying to think of all the things I had wanted to do on the Net while it was down. I couldn't think of anything. So I went downstairs and had some wine.

That will teach that darn Net...

Thursday, May 26, 2005

A Goofy Goal

I have a vacation day tomorrow. Yeah! Yippee! Yee-ya! And here's my goal:

Do absolutely no work-related tasks.

No brainer, huh? Well, not really. My real goal, although I'm skeptical that I will actually pull it off, is:

Do nothing on the computer for one day.

No email. No surfing. No i-Poding. No blogging. Sorry about that last one!

I don't know if I can do it! I don't think I can go 24 hours without doing something on the computer.

We will see...stay tuned.

Wednesday, May 25, 2005


I am testing the most unbelievably boring system on the face of the earth. I normally don't do testing like this, but I somehow convinced someone that I was responsible enough to handle the entire project. Note to self: Do not do this again.

So here's what this stupid system does:
We take about 5 types of data and match them up with about 5 other types of data. So I have to test..uh...oh crap, how would I calculate the number? A permutation? A combination? No, the things don't get thrown back in, so I guess a permutation would be it. So let's just say the quantity is a Giant Butt-Load of different combinations of these types of data. The thought of having my fingernails pulled out, one by one, slowly, is looking pretty good right now.

So I take each combination...let's say A and B and I go looking in at least 4 database tables to find out how many occurrences of this specific "A to B" connection there are. See, you are already bored! I can hear you yawning out there! Poor me...poor, poor me.

Oh yes, and there's also date ranges that must be considered. Which differ and add several more iterations to each test. It's horrible, I tell you. I'm going to need some toothpicks to prop my eyelids open very, very soon. It's fast approaching 3:00pm, my 'sleepy time' of the day. I'm already mainlining the Diet Coke, so I don't know what's next.

And not that I would advocate doing this, but I am tempted to cut some corners in the testing, just to get the pain over. However, after testing, I, yes, yours truly, will be the main user of the abomination. So if it doesn't work, I have to deal with it.

Damn. Shit. Fuck.

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Click the Color, not the Word

This is way fun, although the Beatles-esque song gets old after a while.

Click the Color, Not the Word

See if you can beat my score. I got 74.

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Ants! (Update)

I haven't seen the ants.

Do you think they read my blog? Are they preparing their counter-attack for the Terro? Or are they happily munching on my coffee beans in the cabinet, out of sight?
I fear that they know we are having friends over for dinner on Saturday (they've probably got the phone lines tapped). As we serve the main course, I can just see the Ant Brigade swarming in the house and onto the dining table. They will have little flags that proclaim, "Ants Rule!". I will faint into my medium-rare steak and miss all the excitement.

Tuesday, May 17, 2005


We have ants. In our house. Ew.

Ants do not generally bother me, when they are outside, doing their ant business, like building ant hills and carrying off small bits of picnic food. In my kitchen, however, they are bothersome.

I found a few over by the coffee pot about 2 weeks ago. After looking further, I realized they had traveled up into the cabinets and into our salt shaker. Yes, I said "into". Ew.

We bought some little ant traps, which look like small plastic spaceships for the ants to travel back to their mother-planet in. "Look there, Jacque, it eez our spaceship. We go home now. Bonjour!" The trap has some mysterious "stuff" in it that gets on the ant's little toes and they carry it back to the ant headquarters, where it gets on everyone and kills them all. That's the theory at least.

We put a trap by the coffeemaker. The next ants. Cool. That was easy. A little too easy...

About a week later (they must have been planning out their next attack), I discovered a trail of ants coming up from the floor on the other side of the kitchen, past the dog food (luckily they couldn't breach the dog food containers) and into the sink. I basically came home to a thick black trail of ants from floor to sink. Ew. Ew! EW!

I squashed and cursed. Cursed and squashed. Put a trap on the counter. Put one on the floor. I had to go meet a friend for dinner, so I did that and came back to find no ants and a chewed up ant trap. My dog had decided that the spaceship looked tasty. Quick call to Animal Hospital. Vomiting? No. Diahrrea? No. Lethargy? No. Well, yes, but no more than normal. Dog is okay. Whew.

The ants retreated for a while, but last night they were back, although their numbers had diminished. I squashed and cursed some more and left for dinner with hubby and Junior.

After dinner, I moved my wrapper that my food had been sitting on and there was an ant underneath. AN ANT! I didn't see any other ants on the table, just the one, under my FOOD wrapper. Say it with me folks....EW!!!!!!!

"Hah-hah! My name eez Pierre. I jump in zee purse and come to dinner vith jou. Zurprise!" (because we all know that ants speak with a bad French accent)

I tried not to think about it too much. Ew. Ew! EW! When we got home, the ants had retreated. Or maybe they had taken off in their spaceship. Who knows. I didn't look too hard.

As I was getting ready to go to bed last night, I pulled open the covers, got in, was arranging my pillows and there he was...a lone ant. IN MY BED. Trying to look casual. EEEEEWWWW!

Loving Husband saw my horror and before I could stop him, he flicked the ant across the room. "NO!" I screamed, "KILL HIM!"

I could almost hear the chuckling as the ant got away clean.

That's it. It's on. Me versus the Ants. Stay tuned...

Friday, May 13, 2005

My Shopping List

When I caught a glimpse of my shopping list for this week, I just had to laugh:

Softball Bat
9-Volt Battery

What a goofy selection of items!

However, when I thought for a moment about the list, it really said quite a bit about who I am. What the hell do I mean?

Let me explain...

Fruit - I really try to be healthy...
Fudgsicles - ...but I have very little willpower
Softball Bat - I'm competitive by nature
9-Volt Battery - I'm a mom - the battery powers the baby monitor - my Key to Freedom after Junior goes to bed

I showed you show me yours.

What's your shopping list look like?

Headline of the Week

Man's Giant Weenie Stolen

I'm no detective, but I think someone needs to talk to Paula Abdul about this.

Thursday, May 12, 2005

If I were a...

I've been tagged by Mojavi to participate in a serious experiment. No, not really, it's just a fun game. Here's how it works...

I pick 5 of the following occupations and complete the sentiment, adding an occupation of my choice to the end.

If I could be a scientist...
If I could be a farmer...
If I could be a musician...
If I could be a doctor...
If I could be a painter...
If I could be a gardener...
If I could be a missionary...
If I could be a chef...
If I could be an archaeologist...
If I could be an architect...
If I could be a linguist...
If I could be a psychologist...
If I could be a librarian...
If I could be an athlete...
If I could be a lawyer...
If I could be an innkeeper...
If I could be a professor...
If I could be a writer...
If I could be a llama-rider...
If I could be a bonnie pirate...
If I could be a servicemember...
If I could be a business owner...
If I could be an actor...
If I could be an agent...
If I could be video game designer...
If I could be photographer...
If I could be a circus performer...
If I could be a spy...
If I could be a fashion designer...
If I could be a high school student again... (Gerah)
If I could be a clothing designer for very small dogs... (Diana)
If I could be a personal assistant... (mojavi)
If I could be a blogger... (Goofy Girl)

And now, my contribution to the madness:
(to be read limerick-style)

If I could be a video game designer...
I wouldn't make a dime,
cause all the video game "testing"
would take up all my time.

If I could be an archaeologist...
I'd dig up lots of bones,
I'd find a brand new dinosaur
and keep her for my own.

If I could be a chef...
I'd bake and bake some more,
you'd have to get a crowbar
to fit me through the door.

If I could be a clothing designer for very small dogs...
I'd outfit lots of pups,
I'd make them tiny belts and shoes
and hats like buttercups.

If I could be a musician...
I'd play the drums like Peart*,
but if I ever tried to sing,
I'll bet your ears would hurt.

*That would be Neil Peart, the drummer for Rush, for those of not quite as old as me. ;-)

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

No Drinking Buddy

There is a wine tasting this weekend that I want to go to. So what's the problem?

Babysitter? Nope, got one of those ready to go.
Too Expensive? Nope. Only $20.
Other Plans? Nope. None. Nada.
The problem is...I don't have anyone to go with!

Loving Husband is out of town, hanging from rock formations by a thin rope that I don't like to think too much about.

My usual drinking buddy A. has number 3 of 10 weddings that night (not hers...other people's, I should add).

My friends K., S. and J. are all pregnant and aren't doing much more than sipping and feeling guilty about it. Another friend K. just isn't a wine drinking and wouldn't have fun. Yet another friend C. is going to the casinos (it's becoming a habit for her...but she always wins).

My friend down the street J., who is single and not pregnant, has turned into a dog-loving recluse that I never hear from anymore.

I haven't heard from my friend-since-college C. since New Year's Eve, so either she's pissed at me or she's pregnant again.

My guy-friend-that-I-do-fun-stuff-with M. is going climbing with Loving Husband.

Maybe I should take Junior as my lame would that be? Sigh.

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

I Don't Wanna

Don't want to be here. My head hurts. Can't concentrate on work. Can't stop thinking about real estate investing. I could make millions and be my own boss. I could be a slumlord. Cool. I'm plagued by my entrepreneurism. I'm supposed to be entering fake data to test a system that I don't care about. I don't wanna.

Calgon?!?!?!? Where the fuck are you?

Monday, May 09, 2005

Party 'Til You Puke

We held Goofy Junior's birthday party this past Saturday, complete with giant Clifford-the-Red-Dog's-Head balloon, cupcakes (two flavors!), dollar sandwiches and park shelter. Junior had 1 1/2 hours of visiting with friends, eating cupcakes, playing on the playground equipment and blowing bubbles...followed by throwing up of the cupcakes (Note to Moms: cupcakes and bubble mix do not mix well in toddler tummies), red eyes, no nap and much whining. Oh happy day!

This was followed by Mother's Day on Sunday, which Junior misstook as "Second Day of Birthday Celebration", instead of "Mommy Needs some Quality Time Away from Junior" Day. Again, no nap (for any of us), much whining, kicking of the dogs, etc. But at least I got a nice chicken parmesan dinner (with wine!) compliments of Loving Husband. I was almost able to ignore the spaghetti flying past my head.

All in all, a successful weekend.

Friday, May 06, 2005

Red Eye

I woke up yesterday morning with bright red eyes, almost crusted shut. EW!

After I took a shower, they felt mildly better, but were still bright red. Eye drops didn't help. Makeup didn't help. But off to work I went...well aware of the fact that I looked like I'd been hanging out with Cheech or Chong.

At about 3:00pm, with my eyes throbbing (yes, eyes can throb, I discovered) and a headache approaching migraine level, I surrended and went home.

Home at 3:30, I thought of all the things I wanted to do, but couldn't. Check email? Ouch. Watch TV. Owwie! Read a book. Uh-uh. Moving the eyes back and forth created dull aching pain. I just wanted to close them, even though I wasn't tired. So I ended up taking a well-needed nap. When I woke up an hour later, the eyes felt tired, but not as painful. Today they are a bit red and achy, but not too bad.

Is there such a thing as strained eyeballs???

Thursday, May 05, 2005


I'm not a runner. I never have been. I don't run. Well, to be fair, there are 3 situations where you will see me run:

1. Late for airplane. (this is more common than you would think)
2. Brownies in the oven and the timer goes off. (they might burn!)
3. Trash day and the trash is still in the garage and the trash truck is rumbling down the street. (two words here: Toddler'd run too)

Other than running.

But I am in awe of runners. Why do they do it? What drives them? What do they think of when they are running?

I did do an organized run about three years ago. It's a local race here that is basically billed as a "Your Grandma with the Walker Can Run this Race, What's Your Excuse?" So I did it. I started out fresh and motivated and ran for at least 50 yards. Then I walked the rest. I had little old ladies passing me, so I walked faster, but still couldn't keep up. Maybe I should have trained for it, I dunno.

After that race, my knees hurt. They still hurt. So I'm thinking running is not my gig.

I tried running with my dogs (two Siberian Huskies). Let's just say that they didn't run with me, I ran with them. I was basically the "Sled" for them to pull. They are "sled dogs", you know. If I ran with them more, I would end up with long monkey-like arms, hanging down to my knees, from all the pulling (at 50lbs per canine, they got some pulling power, for sure).

This time of year, I still look at the runners in awe. They all seem so fit and happy. But it's just not for me. Maybe some of those cute little shorts would help...

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Best Headlines

Leave it to the Australians to come up with such hilarious headlines as:

Plastic potty helps pussy pee


Roo poo used to make paper

There's just no way I can top that with anything that this goofy brain could generate. So there.

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

What Would You Do?

Back in fall of 2003, Aron Ralston was found wandering out of the aptly-named Maze district of the Utah Canyonlands. He had been trapped for 5 days by a boulder, which landed on his right wrist and pinned him to a canyon wall. For 5 days, he was pinned in the same place, and gradually drank his only bottle of water (then his urine) and ate his remaining food, which was only supposed to last for a single afternoon of biking and hiking.

The two hikers that stumbled upon him quickly realized that he had cut off his own arm at the elbow to escape the boulder.

I just finished listening to Aron's story on audiotape, "Between a Rock and a Hard Place", which he wrote and also read. When you listen to what this 27-year-old went through, physically and mentally, during those 5 days it just blows your mind.

You can't help but think...what would I do?

Would I have the stamina to last 5 days on 1 day's worth of food and water?

Would I have the mental capacity to not go insane from being trapped like an animal for a work week? (dying to make reference about being trapped in cubicle...but also trying hard to be serious here...)

Would I know enough about stone to know that there was no way to chip away at the chalkstone...that it would be stronger than any knife I would have?

One that note...would I even have a knife? (I don't usually hike with one. I will now.)

Would I have the unbelievable bravery (craziness?) to consider sawing my own arm off with my pocket knife to escape?

Would I bleed to death before realizing that a pocket knife would not cut through my two forearm bones?

And finally, would I have the discipline and control over pain to BREAK MY OWN ARM in TWO places, so that I could then cut through the remaining tendons and veins to break free?

And what I came up with was...NO. I wouldn't. Would you?

Bead Show Ramblings

I went to the Bead Blast 2005 this weekend, in my home town. What?! You've never been to the BB 2005? Nor ever heard of it? No worries, I hadn't either until this year.

Since I technically am in the "industry" (I make jewelry that happens to contain beads most of the time), I felt it my obligation to check out the newest and greatest trends in beading and jewelry making. I just wanted a day or two away from home and Goofy Junior. So shoot me.

Anyway, this bead show was some primo people-watching territory. There were many ladies (and it IS mostly ladies, as much as I'd like to think we live in a equal opportunity world) strutting around like peacocks, with their huge hand-made pieces of jewelry dangling perilously from their ears, necks, and wrists. Some stuff was neat, or fun...some stuff made you wonder what they were smoking.

There was a trade show of sorts, with probably about 50 vendors. Pick up your jaw off the floor...yes, 50 vendors. Beading is this huge trend now...which sucks because the prices of raw materials is now going up. But enough "shop talk".

Some vendors were cocky about their beads...and the prices reflected that. Others seemed more like family-owned businesses or friends that had gathered to buy the space, and they seemed to be having more fun (but not selling as much). They were more fun to visit with and seemed more open about their craft.

I never know what's a good deal in these places, so I end up with a potpourri of beads and other supplies that don't really go together to make one "piece" and that will sit in my storage containers until I buy something exactly the same and then find the others. Such is life...

I managed to drop about $200 on beads, snacks, and two classes (and materials). But I had a good time and got re-energized on a hobby that I have absolutely no time to do. Cool.