Thursday, September 07, 2006

No Giant Death Tumors! Yippee!

Actually, my prognosis is pretty boring: I have an abnormality of the disc between the L5 and S1 vertabraes. That would be "L" for Lumbar and "S" for Sacrum (Take that, Sue Grafton!). The disc is the spongy stuff between your vertabraes that keeps them from grinding together. I heard the analogy once that your vertabraes are like the cookies in the Oreo cookie, and the disc is the "stuff". This analogy just makes me hungry.

So what does all this mean? Good question! Unfortunately, it means alot of the same ole, same ole...

Here's how the doctor conversation went...

Me: I already tried those. They didn't help. They actually made it worse.
Doc: Well, I find that hard to believe. I can see them not helping, but I doubt they made it worse.
Me: (did that bitch just call me a liar!?) Well, they didn't help.*
Doc: Which ones did you take?
Me: started with "N". Naaaaaaaaa-something. (Duh)
Doc: Naproxen? NaproseelyMcweely?
Me: Um, yeah. That first one. (whatever, bitch. Gimme the good ones)
Doc: Hmmmm....Let's try Celebrex. That one has a really good track record with cases like this.
Me: (Dammit, now I've got that stupid Celebrex song in my head...Cel-e-brate...Cel-e-brate...ARG!) Okay, sure.
Doc: Now try these for fourteen days. You will know whether they work or not after that. It will be obvious.
Me: Okay.

Physical Therapy:
Doc: If those don't do the trick, we will do some physical therapy.
Me: I already did that.
Doc: Well. (kinda ignoring me) Let's try it again.
Me: (Hey, did that bitch just ignore me? Whatever. I guess he's the "expert" here. I'll just nod and act interested). Um, okay. (also benefit limit for physical therapy bit the dust about two months ago...this could get expensive)
Doc: (babbles on about physical therapy)

Epidural Steroids:
Doc: If all that doesn't help, we can move on to epidural steroids.
Me: Are those like cortisone shots? (me showing my clever Google research skills. Ha!)
Doc: Sort of. Have you had kids?
Me: No. (I HAVE a kid, but I've never HAD a kid, but didn't feel compelled to elaborate on this)
Doc: Er, well, it's an epidural, like when you go into labor, but instead of painkillers, it's steroids, which can help the disc heal.
Me: (Hell-oooooo? Did you hear me? NO LABOR. Wouldn't know an epidural if it poked me in the ass. That is where they put it, right???) Er. Okay.

At this point, I'm thinking, "Just shoot me in the ass, back, neck, wherever you need to with the epidural goo, 'cause I've already tried the drugs, I've already tried the therapy, and it's not working. I don't see how trying this all again (with the associated expense) will help."

But, hey, I'm a trooper. I'll go along with the plan and see what happens. Meanwhile, know that I know in certain terms what is wrong, I'm off to Google to do some research. Much to Cagey's dismay, I fear. Whee!

*Mr. Goofy later reminded me about how the anti-inflammatories gave me anxiety attacks. I had forgotten that fun side effect!


Cagey said...


This sounds veddy, veddy similar to what my dad is going through.

Glad it wasn't serious, er, you know what I mean. Because being in pain all the time? That IS serious.

mboardman said...

I didnt know you were worried about all this. I didnt even know you were in pain. You sure are the silent type.....complain to me once in a while, will ya? I certainly do. It'd make me feel better if you did. LOL.

dorothy said...

I received no benefit from Celebrex for my back pain, which turned out to be equally boring "rib pads are out of place."

I'd skip straight to the epidural, which goes in your spine, though sticking it in your butt might be funny, too.

I think of you whenever I want to complain about my back pain. I'm going to get a massage tonight!

Blondie said...

I had a bulged disk for a year. I feel your pain. I went with electrodes and a good chiropractor. And Guinness. :)

lorib said...

I concur with dorothy -- save the time and headache of going through the steps you have already tried and skip to the epidural...and if this doctor can't stop for a second to listen to you, maybe find a new doc. My experience with the epidural during labor was wonderful and it seems like it is time for you to try something new. Hope you find some relief soon!

Monkey McWearingChaps said...

That's terrible, I hope you feel better.

Can you get a referral to a PMnR specialist?