My Turn to Ask the Questions

Mojavi has graciously (stupidly?) volunteered as my first interviewee (victim?). Remember...you asked for it!

Here are the questions (they will self-destruct in 10 seconds...):

1. If you could have one super-human power, what would it be and why? How would you use your power? Would you use it for good or evil, or both? (yes, it's a 3-part question...get over it!)


2. What's the scariest situation you've ever been in?


3. Have you ever read a book or watched a television show that changed your life?


4. What do you do better than anyone else you know?


5. If you could be an animal for one day, what animal would you be? What would you do? (assume you would do no harm to anyone...unless you wanted to)

A Goofy Interview

Recently, I had an odd compulsion to participate in Average Jane's Interview Game (rules posted at the bottom of this post).

She posed the following questions to me (my goofy answers are in italics).

1. What are your five all-time favorite books?

Wow! That's a tough question. I read about a book a week, and promptly forget most of them. I'll read into "all-time favorite" as meaning "I would read again". Since I very rarely re-read a book, that's a pretty good measure. Here goes:
"The DaVinci Code" by Dan Brown (I loved the reality mixed with the fiction and the puzzles sprinkled throughout the book. You also can't beat a book that comes with its own interactive web-based "game" - www.davincicode.com)
"Jurassic Park" by Michael Crichton (If you've seen the movie, it's not the same as the book. Many more people die in the book and it's a bit darker than the movie.)
"The Last Day" by Glenn Kleier (An intriguing book that questions a lot of popular religious beliefs...like attending church. I love a controversy!)
"Atlas Shrugged" by Ayn Rand (I have to have one "classic", right? Just who is John Galt?)
"The Dark Tower" series by Stephen King (It really is one story...it just takes seven 800-page books to tell it.)

2. If you could plan a trip anywhere in the world, where would you like to go?

Definitely New Zealand. I like the outdoors and New Zealand has what I'm told is the most beautiful environment ever. And (bonus!) no snakes or other annoying poisonous creatures. Really! If you've seen any of the "Lord of the Rings" movies, that's New Zealand. I would sea kayak, bungee jump, climb on a glacier and mountain bike. Of course, I'd have to go to the gym more than once a month in preparation.

3. What has surprised you most about being a parent?

Two things: 1)the amount of free time that I used to have, and squandered and 2)how much fun it would be! Really!

4. What is your most vivid memory from childhood?

Having something stolen from me for the first time! I was maybe 5 or 6 at the time and went to the park with some friends. I had some sunscreen that was in a bottle shaped like a banana (there's a Goofy image for ya!) and I set it down to play on a piece of playground equipment probably now banned from existence. I came back and it was gone! I was traumatized for days afterwards. This one event is probably responsible for shaping my control-freakish nature. Sigh.
5. Just how goofy are you?

Goofy enough to almost run over myself with my own car. I came home one night, parked my car (a 5-speed Acura Integra that I no longer have), jumped out and went to get the mail. As I walked down my somewhat steep driveway, I saw something moving out of the corner of my eye. It was my car, gradually creeping backwards down the driveway...and gathering speed. It slammed into the neighbor-across-the-street's truck that was parked in the street in front of his house, bounced halfway back up the driveway and headed back down towards his truck again. After I picked my teeth up off the sidewalk, I ran over, jumped in and hit the brakes before it hit a second time.

Two things of note: 1)if I had stopped to bend over and pick up the free paper laying on our driveway behind the car, I wouldn't be writing this right now; and 2)try explaining this to your insurance agent. I think I heard snickering!

The Official Interview Game Rules

1. If you want to participate, leave a comment below saying "interview me."


2. I will respond by asking you five questions - each person's will be different.


3. You will update your journal/blog with the answers to the questions.


4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post.


5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Hilarity at the Expense of my Toddler

Scene: Dinner-time at the Goofys. Mom, Dad and son are at the dining room table eating dinner. Probably hot dogs.

Son(waving eating utensil in the air): Fuck...Fuck...FUCK!

Mom: (giggle)

Dad: Yes son, that's your FORK.

Mom: (giggle...giggle)

Fade to black.

Junior's First Arcade Experience

The family and I went out for pizza last night. We ordered our pizza and got a table. Then Toddler Boredom kicked in. If you don't head off TB quickly, it will proceed to Toddler Whining, then Toddler Tantrum, then full-blown Demon-has-Taken-Over-My-Toddler-Please-Help-Me-dom. What to do? What to do?

I spotted a arcade game in the corner of the pizza place. It was one of those virtual experience ones, a Snowmobile Ride. I steered Junior over to it and we sat down on the seat. He was instantly mezmerized by the graphics on the screen, then grabbed the steering mechanism and laughed. Ah...Toddler Boredom at bay. But...

...it wasn't lasting long. The graphics weren't moving enough to keep him interested. He was eyeing the kids playing pool. Pool balls were flying off the table. I definitely didn't want him over there. I frantically dug for quarters... SCORE! Two linty quarters in the bottom of the purse.

"Watch this", I said proudly. I deposited the quarters into the machine. We selected a snowmobile and a racing course and we were off!

The machine produced a cold wind that blew in our face. Junior and I were racing down the start of the course and doing pretty well. He giggled and declared "Watch Einstein!".

What?!?!? WHAT!?!?! Damn you, Julie Aigner-Clark and your Baby Einstein videos! You've ruined my son's first arcade experience. He thinks it's interactive Baby Einstein. For crying out loud!

I promptly crashed into the side of the mountain. Game Over.

The Fine Art of Procrastination

I'm a Procrastinator. I admit it. The first step towards recovery is admission.

However...

Lately I've procrastinated on a few things, that have subsequently FIXED THEMSELVES or (better still) GONE AWAY. Ah! What a feeling that is! I didn't waste any of my precious time working on that damn task...and it resolved itself without me. How productive! How efficient! No harm. No foul.

However...

This sends the message to my very impressionable brain that "Procrastination Works", which is probably not a good message for the Serial Procrastinator to get. So, I struggle daily with prioritization.

Do I NEED to pay those bills today? Unfortunately, yes. Most bills don't resolve themselves. Dammit.

Do I NEED to go to the gym? Nah, I walked from the kitchen up the stairs to bed last night. That should be enough exercise for the week. I'll go again next week.

However...

There's also a good feeling to picking up a stale-as-month-old-bread project and finishing it up. Just cranking it out and getting it done.

So, there's a fine balance in the Doing and the Procrastinating. If I ever figure out the formula between the two, I'll share it with you.

...as soon as I get around to it.

why? why?!

why do some people type their emails in all lower case? why?! is it that hard to reach over and tap the caps-lock key? it's just right there by your left pinky. just a short inch or so reach. is this too much too ask? are you just too busy to take the time? do you think it makes you 'trendy' or 'artsy'? i think it just makes you look dumb, like you don't know any better. would you send a letter to your mom in all lower case, not bothering to take the time to capitalize any words? i think not. she'd think you were on drugs.

there's also another mutant strain of these folks that capitalize Proper Names only. as in: "how's it going Joe? i met Bob for lunch today and he's looking a bit chubby." oh i see how you are. all about the name dropping. regular words aren't important enough, but the names are.

or, worse still, theres folks that dont even bother with apostrophes. the poor, abused apostrophe. hes added in the wrong place many times, but you folks (and you know who you are), you just ignore him. forget him. poor guy. what did he ever do to you?

i really fear for the future of our society, if all our writing looks like this.

Meet Coco, Best in Show

Looks like the Caddyshack gopher snuck into the dog show...and won!

Coco:

Gopher:

Zoo readies for panda mating season

I just had to chuckle when I saw this news title on CNN.com.

Dim the lights. Crank up the Barry White tunes. Time for some panda lovin'.

Is it just me...

or is Jason Bateman just as hot (if not hotter) than he was fifteen years ago? It's a more fun, rumpled sort of hot, but he's definitely still hot.

Then:

Now:

Help me, Bill Gates!

Someone desperately needs to invent the following:

1. A device that, at the push of a button, instantly empties all the trash cans throughout your house into a common container in the garage. Bingo! Ready for trash day.

2. A device that does the same thing with dirty dishes piled in the sink. This device would also trigger the wash cycle. And while you're at it, put them away too, k?

3. A device that sucks all the dirt and pet hair from your carpets, at the push of a button. Note: one might need to evacuate the house of small children and pets, lest they get sucked up. Unless the kids/pets are dirty, them leave them in there.

Who would I talk to about this? Bill Gates controls the world, how about him? Bill, show me some love. Quit with the Windows shit for a while and invent something we REALLY NEED.

Carrot Cake Inflation

I like bakeries. A lot. They give me a nice, comfortable, warm feeling in the pit of my stomach. Like sitting by the fireplace on a cold winter night with a cup of cocoa and your dog.

I love finding out about a new bakery and going to do some "product testing". However, I'm a Bakery Snob, and it's darn hard to find a good bakery. There's a lot of over-priced, dried-out-pastry-slingers out there. And don't get me started on the grocery store bakeries.

I stopped by a place today to check it out. The place is relatively new, yet I've heard of it from no less than three various sources. I stopped by over lunch.

The place was fantastic-looking! Their retail space was well-decorated and inviting and their case was brimming with wonderful, perfect-looking baked goods. I tried a Snickerdoodle and a Filled Carrot Cake Cupcake. I was diappointed by the Snickerdoodle. I'm used to a good "cream of tartar" finish from my Snickerdoodle and that seemed to be missing. Plus it just wasn't quite sweet enough.

However, the Filled Carrot Cupcake was delicious! The "filling" was the obligatory cream cheese icing, since it was a carrot cake cupcake, and it was moist and delicious. I got thinking about an upcoming card night at my place and thought that a carrot cake might make a good dessert for us to munch on between rounds.

I checked the price card. Thirty-two dollars for a 9" carrot cake! Yikes! What's this country coming to?

Is it that hard to make a carrot cake? No! I've made carrot cake before and it's darn easy. One of the easier cakes to make, in fact. Much easier than an apple pie with all that damn fruit coring and slicing you have to do. With a carrot cake, you just buy the pre-shredded carrots from the produce section. You add sugar, flour, oil, eggs, stir and bake. Yes, folks, it's pretty much that simple! And the icing is basically cream cheese and powdered sugar. Nothing to get all flustered about. Easy, easy, easy.

So easy that I just might make one for card night. Then ponder how to spend the $32 that I saved.

Whatcha Fixin'?

I was pondering our wonderful English (really American) language the other day, as I do from time to time. I was saying something like, "What are you fixing me for dinner tonight, honey?" and I stopped short.

Hmmm...I thought. "Fix" is such a funny verb.

Usually we use it when something is broken: "Honey, the crapper's broken, can you fix it?"

But the exception is for food-related preparation: "Hey, fix me a sandwich, dammit!" or "Whatcha fixing for the tailgate party, Bubba?"

It's not really used for any other sort of preparation, unless you include our southern friends: "We was fixin' to go to the circus, but then them elephants got loose and stampeded Grampa."

Where is really gets fun is when your food is broken. "Damn, that hot dog I fixed for lunch fell and broke in two...I'm trying to fix it now."

Damn, our language is funny.

Why I Hate Vacations

Because you have to come back. Always. Otherwise it wouldn't be a vacation, it would be a move.

And when you come, all those fun things are waiting for you... Laundry. Mail. Bills. Work. Email at work. Email at home. Voicemails from clueless people.

It was nice being away from this stuff. We were 10,000 feet above sea level, in a snow-covered hut. Talk about "away from it all". There was definitely no Internet hookup there.

But vacations end and you have to come back to the real world. So here I am.

Bad Day

This day really bites the big one. It started with an 8:00am dentist appointment. Don't get me wrong, I love, love, love my dentist (he's cute too!), but 8am is just too early to open your mouth to the world.

Let me back up. Because we are leaving for vacation tomorrow, I didn't get my requisite 6 hours of sleep. I got more like 4. While picking up my razor this morning to mow down the forest of leg hair, I somehow cut a large chunk out of my finger. I proceeded to bleed during my shower, bled while putting on makeup and doing hair, and bled down the stairs to breakfast. The only Band-Aid I could find was Sponge-Bob. How professional!

I also have been starting to feel a little tickle in my nose and throat, like sickness is knocking at the door. This would be about par for me, since we are traveling to Colorado for an adventure trip that will require me to be in peak condition for the next 5 days. I stopped on my way to work at Osco to stock up on Sudafed....several varieties. The pharmacist gave me a "are you a meth dealer?" look. Fuck you, man.

So I get to work and Sponge-Bob is leaking. Yes, folks...I'm still bleeding. I go in my drawer, retrieve my purse, yank the zipper and...it comes off in my hand. Now I have a zipped-up purse with no zipper to open it. After retrieving my purse from the wall against which I threw it, I forcefully ripped open the zipper and wondered if I had time to buy another purse before our trip. Nope.

On to work...I have about 20 minutes before a meeting, so I decide to start something that needs to be completed before I leave today (which is hopefully early, since our trip packing and prep is far from complete). I retrieve a file, manipulate it, load it to another system and start running some SQL against it. The results look strange! I realize (after 19 minutes) that I have been sent the wrong file. Now it's time for the meeting. It's 10:00am and I've done nothing productive yet. Maybe I should have just stayed home.

Fast forward to 2:00pm. I have gotten the correct file and things are looking up. I hear my boss's voice... "Hey, Goofy" (of course, that's not really the name he called me...I don't think). I turn around in time to see a camera pointed in my face. Click! Wonderful. He has taken a picture of me to send to our other office. They will see a picture of me, looking quite pale and sickly, with a Sponge-Bob Band-aid on my "fuck you" finger, and a screenshot of this blog post in the background.

Great. Just great.